Friday, September 14, 2007

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Stop Obsessing Over Your Query Letters

It's the Best/Worst Query Contest.

Enter the contest by sending me your query. I'll choose bests and worsts, so only those with thick skin, thick egos, or deliberately bad entries should submit. I'm likely to skip the truly ridiculous ones, though, unless they seem like good examples of the insanity I actually see. This is meant as a learning exercise, after all. A snarky, sarcastic learning exercise.

Contest closes by the end of the day Monday.

8 comments:

sylvia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary said...

Do we post it here or email the query to you?

Editorial Anonymous said...

Either is fine.

Lindsey said...

Somewhere in New York
Dear Agent/Editor/Editorial Asstant/Lowly Reader:
I want to thank you for the opportunity to query you. I’ve been striking out in the publishing game for eons, and here I am three books into it, and still no bite. It’s hard on me, as I’m sure it’s hard on you, receiving letter after letter after letter. This is probably your hundredth one today. I’m sorry! I’ll try to make it worth your while.
So. The novel. The Misadventures of Adventurous Children. It’s a 78,000 mid grade paranormal soon-to-be-classic. There’s love. There’s adventure. And there’s a purple-tailed, snarky raccoon searching for a lime flavored popsicle. What’s not to love? I can send it to you as soon as it’s finished.
My work has been featured on many blogs, including: my own, my family’s, and in the comments section of many well-known authors. I’ve also sent my work into some big name publishers. No word yet. I’ll call you if I hear anything.
I chose to query you because you are in the publishing business, and I’m hoping you can get me in that business, too. Please? Kidding! No, really, I could use some love.
Thank you for your time and dedication. You really are a lovely person. Unless you reject me, in which case, I’LL MAKE YOU PAY! Ha! That was another joke. Kind of.

Cheerio!
A writer

katie said...

Bwa ha ha. Lindsey, that was high-larious.

Anonymous said...

Dear Edirotial Anyonymous:

The girl of his dreams plants one on Joe Payne’s lips right in the middle of science lab, but it’s the nightmarish girl with the freakish facial piercings, Joe can’t get out of his head.
With just a couple of weeks until his 15th birthday, Joe knows he should be concentrating on finals and on the fact that his very together family is falling apart, but the outrageously quirky Lucy is coming to him for help.

I’d like to offer for your review: DEATH IN THE FAMILY, a 45,000 word novel for a young adult reader.

With less than 72 hours notice, Joe’s dad is shipped off to Iraq, leaving Joe and his older brother to help their mom run the family’s funeral home. Well, unless you count Grandpa and crazy Clarence who keep misplacing bodies.
Joe’s worried about his dad, but his best friend and his brother maintain the best way for Joe to keep his mind off his father is with a female diversion. They’re pushing hard for the pretty and popular Jillian: The obvious choice. Yet this is the beginning of a summer when not everything’s so clear to Joe.

Lucy’s about to bury her mother and turning to Joe for comfort, but the girl who’s always in trouble is definitely not on older brother, Drew’s list of acceptable girlfriends. Joe needs to decide whether to follow Drew’s surefire formula for his first real relationship or follow his heart.

Hopeful writer said...

Dear Manuscript submissions reader:

Enclosed is my 5555 word picture book ms. I have included some samples of my sisters' scribblings that I assure you will sparkle up the words emensely to your satisfaction.

My children all love this story and keep asking when it will be a real book.

I even had my cat walk over the pages to insure successs. (I've been told that is lucky.)

Sincerely yours,
Hopeful Writer

p.s. enclosed is Godiva chocolate and a coupon to a nearby pizza place run by my pal Patrick.

Anonymous said...

What's the prize?