Can't See the Forest for the Leaves?

I still can’t figure out what’s wrong with the opening line of my Best/Worst Pitch Contest submission. I’m not asking you to offer advice on it, but the whole query aspect of writing is overwhelming me. Instead of sending manuscripts out like my other writer friends, I just sit here like a dunce collecting them. What is my problem? One silly letter and you’d think I was attempting to write the equation for Einstein’s theory of relativity.

And right now I’m stressing out over whether or not the commas in my post reply were correctly placed.

A. You are definitely over-thinking this. Nobody writes at their best when they're stressed out.

B. What was the first line of your pitch? I separate them from names, so I have no record of which was yours.

Pitch Contest

...And we're done!
Some of you have evil little minds. Funny, evil, little minds.
Thank you to everyone for participating.

The I Need a Shower Now and a Cocktail Immediately After Trophy

for Pitches That Make Me Ask Myself Why I Wanted to Be an Editor goes to:

How will Daddy convince little Eddie that the body parts in the cellar just won't do for his kindergarten show-and-tell? FATHER, FATHER, GODFATHER is a touching, autobiographical 350 word picture book. Think MARRIED TO THE MOB meets WHEN I WAS YOUNG IN THE MOUNTAINS, with just a soupcon of WOLVES IN THE WALLS. The surprise ending will make this one a keeper.

Whimper. Autobiographical?
Please don't use the word "soupcon" in the same paragraph with "body parts".

“The Babysitter has Bad Balance” is a sweet counting story about a time-crunched couple who leave sweet Billy in the care of a dirty, but very trustworthy, looking man lurking in their garbage. With each page helping children with their counting skills (one empty bottle of alcohol at a time), this rollicking free verse tale follows our charming babysitter as he helpfully inspects the liquor cabinet (“Jackpotsies!”), organizes the parent’s financial records (“Wash? Z' not doin’ nothin’!”), and tests out Billy’s Xbox (“Getsh youz ownsh!”), before gently falling asleep on the door step in a pool of white pearls, silver cutlery, and stale saliva. While there is heated demand from several publishers, including the nationally renowned “Publish America”, there is still time to arrange an auction. Also available is what will surely be its best-selling sequel: “Billy Borrowed the Babysitter’s wallet”.

I feel all warm and fuzzy... like bread mold.

Requested Manuscript Award:

Princess Ravenna seems to have it all: a big old palace, nice clothes, lots of shoes, a hot private tutor, and the ruling of a kingdom to look forward to. But Ravenna is a princess with problems. Her mother is basically permanently asleep (thanks to some badass fairy godmother), her father has vanished (thanks to some ogre that needed killing), her aunt and uncle hate her (and the feeling is mutual), she can’t stop stealing things (doesn’t want to), and her hunky tutor seems obsessed with her mastering hand-to-hand combat rather than the lip-to-lip peace talks she’d prefer (haiiii-ya). When she overhears a plan for her own murder, she goes underground with some rather questionable elves to upset her uncle’s schemes and return the kingdom to its rightful heir.

Sounds like this has a sense of humor. I'd request this. But are you sure about the word "hunky"? Feels a bit dated.

The Drivel Award

for the Overly Familiar goes to three contestants:

My book is Harry Potter meets Beatrix Potter. A magical rabbit named Wallbert Fuzzyton has a well-known destiny that is a closely guarded secret. She battles the evil shrieking dwarves of the hollow, with their leader Wolfmort the One-Whose-Name-We-Shan't-Utter. Once Wallbert Fuzzyton finds his destiny, you won't want to miss the clash between good and evil, rabbit and shrieking dwarf! Will Wallbert fulfill her destiny by slaying the evil that lies within the hollow? If you buy my book I'll tell you.

If only this manuscript were a closely guarded secret.

Poor Tony has four older sisters and bossy, no-good parents....UGH! So when he makes a wish to get outta town, Wink-the-mouse happily obliges with his magical powers. Trouble is, Wink is a bad, bad seed, and he loves getting into trouble. Every time Tony makes a wish, Wink adds his own personal touch.

Extra cliche points for naming the mouse "Wink".

It's not the being undead part that bothers Madison. It's the blood part... like, ew. And the (freak me out) bats, or the mega-uncomfie coffin beds, or maybe it's the fangs--SO unflattering. TWILIGHT meets THE BEACON STREET GIRLS in SO NOT MY UNLIFE, a middle grade novel targeted at tween girls.

I feel like writing something on the girls' room wall about this pitch.

Requested Manuscript Award:

Nick borrows David's toy dinosaur for a week and promises he won't lose it. When Nick loses it the very next day, he has so much fun hunting for the tiny dino that he "loses" it again...and again...and again...The dinosaur spends a fun-filled week doing things like guarding a sand castle, dangling from a shopping cart and stalking fossils at the science museum. When practical joker Nick returns the toy, David asks to borrow Nick's new firetruck----he promises he won't lose it.

I'm not sure why there needs to be a friend involved. The losing something and the adventures of the lost toy sound interesting by themselves. I'd have a look.

The 'If I Had a Hammer' Statuette

for the Lesson You're Going to Learn Whether You Like It or Not goes to:

Meet Lucy O’Neal, a spunky eight-year-old who wants some variety in her mom’s weekly menu plan. After banishing Lucy from the kitchen, Mom begins to experiment with new-flavored recipes. All is well until Lucy announces she doesn't want something different every night of the week. In the end, Lucy apologizes and learns to express a few compliments to Mom once in awhile--because the truth is she can't imagine what in the world she would do without her. What’s For Dinner, Mom? is a 806 word story picture book.

This might have been interesting enough to request if it weren't for the lesson at the end. Who's this book really serving— kids... or moms?

The last thing a kid like Mason wants is to be some kind of hero. So when a top secret transmission pops up on the screen of his video game drafting him and his brother Joel as secret Eco-naut agents, he's just a teensy bit freaked. But Joel figures the message is just part of the very cool, very life-like video game and he convinces Mason to sign up. Besides, even if Eco-naut is the real deal it’s not like they would expect a couple of kids to do anything dangerous....would they?

Again, the premise without the lesson sounds like it could work. But "Eco-nauts"?
Having a message is fine. Making it impossible to ignore is not. Your readers have minds of their own. Respect that.

The I've Given Up Before I've Even Started Award

for Outstanding Lack of Ambition goes to:

In Cognito is a 75,000 word love letter to storytelling and the natural world. I’m a little embarrassed that I can’t provide a whiz-bang, high-concept hook to persuade you to read it, but once I wrote down “The Seven Seals meets Where the Wild Things Are” I was just too appalled to keep trying. It's a good book. Thank you for your time.

Sigh. You can have your pitch back; can I have my time back?

Requested Manuscript Award:

It was supposed to be the summer Michael's parents got back together—the summer his dad would realize he'd been a complete idiot in leaving Michael's mom two years ago for a high school Spanish teacher (especially after the teacher left him for a younger man—but kept the $10,000 engagement ring he'd given her "because it was a gift"). For 12-year-old Gina, it was supposed to be the "summer without men"—as in, The Summer Her Mother Did Not Have a Boyfriend. Both Michael and Gina have had their fill of watching their parents fall head over heels for strangers, and of having their own needs put on hold while their parents navigate the dating scene. But when Michael's dad and Gina's mother meet on-line, Michael and Gina decide they've had their fill, and they plot together to end this summer romance – or make their parents pay.

Interesting. Kind of The Parent Trap in reverse. I'd have a look.

The Restraining Order Commendation

for Overall Creepiness goes to:

This is a story I wrote last night and my husband and mother just love it! I'd be happy to make corrections but I don't think you'll find any mistakes since I used spellcheck. Should I limit my book tour to the US or go international? Move over J.K. Rowling! Dora is a young girl who gets swept up in a hurricane, wakes up in a magical land called ZO and travels to the Sapphire City with some friends she meets along the way. Did I mention she's wearing beautiful Emerald green shoes? Actually, they're not unlike the sexy green pumps you were wearing last night. Personally, I would have chosen the black pumps you tried on but put back in your bedroom closet.


My Darling Editor:
I am so very tired of the mindless dribble found in vampire novels published today. Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, and other nonsensical writers have no knowledge as to what they are penning, what it’s really like. I have written the accounts of my life in my 450,000-word autobiography entitled YOUR BLOOD SMELLS SO GOOD : CONFESSIONS OF A NIGHT MONSTER, in which I tell the truths of what it’s like to be a real vampire – a centuries old creature of the night that hunts and feeds to satisfy cravings for delectable human blood.
I have chosen you to publish my works, for when I saw a picture of you and your supple neck gracing the New York Times book review section, my cold heart beat faster. It would be in your best interests if I hear from you at the stroke of midnight next Friday, August the 1st.

The Robert Munsch Citation

for Most Dysfunctional Relationship in a Pitch goes to:

Fuzzy Kitty, Purr Purr was inspired by my cat, Boots. On a warm and cheery day as she lay licking her feet and nibbling on her toes, Boots started to purr . . . and purr . . . and purr. It was purr joy for me to hear at first, but then I realized that Boots’s purrer was stuck! I’d be happy to send my manuscript so you can learn how Boots gets out of this jam, as any pet lover knows that a purr that lasts more than four hours can cause serious damage.

Brings new meaning to the phrase “pet lover” doesn’t it?

Requested Manuscript Award:

The pandas love the smell of Listerine. The flamingoes like to see themselves in the mirror. The gorillas enjoy the feel of finger paint. In The Rhinos Sniff Garlic early readers will see how zookeepers use all five senses to keep the animals in their care content.
(nonfiction, easy reader)

This sounds very interesting. But why are you telling people it's an easy reader, when it would be much more profitable to the publisher and to you as a picture book? Let the editor decide what it is. I'd request this.

The Everyone Poops (But You Don't Have to Mail It to Me) Award:

goes to four distinguished contestants:

One man's food poison is another microbe's siren. SAM AND ELLA, A LOVE STORY proves that it isn't just the heart that rules in passion but the wanton and gurgling world of the digestive tract.

Princess Ariel finds herself in the midst of a sudden onslaught of giant bubbles that threatens the very existence of her underwater kingdom. This book is--literally--a "Little Mermaid meets Walter the Farting Dog" story--one that is destined to enchant and amuse children from 1 to 101.

When Ana Rexia slips down the drain and arrives in Xcrement, a sinister underground city squirming with Sewer Rats and Sanitary Product Salesmen, she is captured by Flatulus and Gassigutz for display in their Freak Xhibition at the Vomitarium. There Ana meets Bobbie Bulimic, and the two tumble into a puddle of muck, and into love. Will Ana and Bobbie blow off Flatulus and Gassigutz and escape the Rising Tide of Merde? Fans of Stephen King and Barbara Cartland will kill to find the answer within my Book, Plumbing the Depths, as will over eight million citizens with Eating Disorders.

Have you ever wondered about the Commander in Chief's bathroom habits? What kind of toilet paper they have in the White House, how Watergate affected Nixon's bowels, or where Lincoln's outhouse was located? In my new picture book, Presidential Poops, readers of all ages will delight in the whimsical rhyming texts and colorful illustrations. Plus, a special scratch-n-sniff section on the back cover will help readers feel as if they are right in the Oval Office bathroom!

The Happily Ever After Honor:

MURDEROUS MARY, the true story of the elephant who killed a boy in Tennessee during a circus parade. She seized him with her trunk, threw him against a wall, and squashed him with one foot. The sheriff shot her several times, but the bullet didn't pierce her hide. So they lynched her using a construction crane (it took two tries) and buried her in a pit by the railroad tracks.
For ages 3-7.

Good bedtime reading.

Requested Manuscript Prize:

In my new picture book, A Little Quiet, Mama is on a mission. As she searches for a place to rest, her children follow her all over the house, asking what she is doing. When she tells them she's looking for "a little quiet", they decide to join the search. Though they don't know what it looks like, they're determined to find it - even if they have to make it themselves.

I certainly hope the kids make an enormous amount of noise—in creative ways—as they search (that's not clear from the pitch, and should be). I would request this manuscript.

A well-deserved Metaphor Prize:

I'm very enlivened and dying to send you my finally clear book on Einstein's relativity. Like sand through the hour-glass, so are... well, the sand keeps coming down and there's one for each of us. Then you can throw the clock out the window of the train because its all relative, but not like your mother or your cousins or anyone like that. In the end we all know it is true that when there is happy, or a good time, then it doesn't seem like so much sand.

...And sometimes it really seems like the Sahara, doesn't it?

Best/Worst Pitch Contest!!

Ok, ok, I'm buckling to pressure. It's the first Best/Worst Pitch Contest.

Wondering if your pitch is making a classic mistake or boring your listener to tears? Just want to pitch something awful for the fun of being bad? Go to it!

Send your entries (no more than FOUR SENTENCES per pitch) to my email (not the comments section), and put PITCH CONTEST in the subject line, please.
CONTEST HAS ENDED; THANK YOU FOR PLAYING

Categories include, but will not be limited to:
The Metaphor Prize for the kind of comparison that haunts you long after the pitch session
The Bush Sr/Jr Honor for incomprehensible chain-of-thought rambling
Bush Sr. once said, "Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for — don't cry for me, Argentina. Message: I care." Not unlike some of the pitches I've heard.
The Restraining Order Commendation for overall scariness/creepiness
The Drivel Award for use of cliches and the plotlines of books everyone has read
The Robert Munsch Citation for most dysfunctional relationship in a pitch
The I Need a Shower Now and a Cocktail Immediately After Trophy for anything that makes me ask myself why I wanted to be an editor

...and of course as many positive awards as necessary.
Can't wait to see what you come up with!