Friday, August 1, 2008

The Restraining Order Commendation

for Overall Creepiness goes to:
This is a story I wrote last night and my husband and mother just love it! I'd be happy to make corrections but I don't think you'll find any mistakes since I used spellcheck. Should I limit my book tour to the US or go international? Move over J.K. Rowling! Dora is a young girl who gets swept up in a hurricane, wakes up in a magical land called ZO and travels to the Sapphire City with some friends she meets along the way. Did I mention she's wearing beautiful Emerald green shoes? Actually, they're not unlike the sexy green pumps you were wearing last night. Personally, I would have chosen the black pumps you tried on but put back in your bedroom closet.

My Darling Editor:
I am so very tired of the mindless dribble found in vampire novels published today. Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, and other nonsensical writers have no knowledge as to what they are penning, what it’s really like. I have written the accounts of my life in my 450,000-word autobiography entitled YOUR BLOOD SMELLS SO GOOD : CONFESSIONS OF A NIGHT MONSTER, in which I tell the truths of what it’s like to be a real vampire – a centuries old creature of the night that hunts and feeds to satisfy cravings for delectable human blood.
I have chosen you to publish my works, for when I saw a picture of you and your supple neck gracing the New York Times book review section, my cold heart beat faster. It would be in your best interests if I hear from you at the stroke of midnight next Friday, August the 1st.


Kimbra Kasch said...

I loved the black pumps touch --- ewww...

Susan at Stony River said...

If all the entries to this contest were compiled in a single volume and put on a bookstore shelf at $anything-99, Christmas shopping for all my writing friends would be DONE.

Remember the Griffin and Sabine envelope-and-letter book? This collection could be like that, with all the weirdos-in-underpants photos and farting puppets included.

I want it.

DD3123 said...

"If all the entries to this contest were compiled in a single volume and put on a bookstore shelf at $anything-99, Christmas shopping for all my writing friends would be DONE."


Adrian said...

I think the best would be one of those desk calendars, with each day a new entry. You could mix in the fun and bad ones and have little editor comments on the bottom. That would be hilarious, especially if accompanied by an illustrator drawing for each of these...

moonrat said...

heehee yes. i second the desk calendar.

Susan at Stony River said...

Ah! Desk calendar! Now you've got a money-maker.

It's August, there's still time, eh?

Put me down for 14.

Peggy Collins said...

It is true, I hear spellcheck makes you into a fantastic vampire writer and I am sure no edits will be needed.

Do you really have green pumps?

BTW - I'd buy the book too - or the calendar

Precision Grace said...

The black pumps pitch made me cry with laughter. It was the funniest thing I read in ages.
I wish I was an editor.

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