Query Clinic: The Amaranth Guardian

I started querying about a month ago and I've gotten seven rejections so far. I've only been querying agents who I thought suited the genre, but I feel discouraged now that only one agent was willing to request sample pages. Before I send out any more queries, I was hoping you could dissect my letter, publicly and harshly if you so wish. I wonder if agents are discouraged by my saying it's the first of a series....

Dear X,
Kai Kirin is just like any other student at the Academy, a school from a parallel universe that trains lost and abandoned children in the ancient art of cylo. Like the others, Kai has been sheltered from the tribal warfare that has devastated his world since the fall of the last Demon Empress, Ubella. But unlike the others, Kai has been sent on an unusual assignment that will bring him to our world to find Kanna Burke, a young girl who possesses the legendary power to undo all of Ubella's black magic. Kai must retrieve Kanna and her family, to protect them from those who would use Kanna as a weapon. However, Kai will soon find that Kanna Burke is very reluctant to come under his protection.

Ok. So this is what people are talking about when they use "fantasy" like it's a bad word. Some fantasies do the hard word of world-building in a way that invites the reader in and gives them action and character development to keep them interested while the many ways in which this world is different are revealed, gradually, at a pace that makes sense to the reader.

And other fantasies drop a half-ton of unfamiliar details on the reader like a piano onto a cartoon coyote. I have a suspicion this may be one of those fantasies.

Also, I would ask you to consider whether it's really, truly important that the main character come from another dimension. Because if she could just come from another area of that dimension, you wouldn't need the idea of parallel dimensions in a story that's already heavy on unfamiliar ideas.

For her own good, Kai forces the obstinate girl back across the portal into his world along with her father and stepbrother. But when the remote to bring him home snaps in half, he finds himself not at the Academy, but in a dangerous territory far to the south. The small group of unhappy travelers must make their way north through warring states and cursed territories, avoiding dangerous militias, assassins, and the dreaded creatures known as Changelings. The long journey back to the Academy will soon change everything he believes.
Amaranth Guardian is a character-driven fantasy adventure novel centered on a group of teenagers who must put aside their differences and collaborate in order to survive in a world of chaos. Each character is an unlikely hero, full of fear and cockiness but also full of power that they don't yet understand. Kai, in particular, lives with the knowledge that he himself may be part Demon.

a. "Fantasy adventure novel" is about two words too long.
b. You know there was a recent YA fantasy published called The Amaranth Enchantment, right?
c. Move or cut that last sentence.

The story does not talk down to teens, but rather reflects their unique experiences: the feeling of suspended identity, the fear of responsibility, and the exciting sense of discovery that are central to the transition to adulthood.
Amaranth Guardian is complete at 142,700 words and I am now seeking representation for it. It is the first in a series and I am currently in the process of writing its sequel, Amaranth Prison. In addition to the above synopsis, I have included the first two chapters of my manuscript in the body of this e-mail. If you would like to request further materials, please e-mail me back. Thank you for your time!

This query is giving the impression that your manuscript may be overly dense and difficult to follow, and written with a great deal more tell than show. If you know how to fix that in the query, then your manuscript is probably ok.

If you're not sure how your query is giving those impressions, though, I would recommend taking a hard look at your manuscript for revisions, too.

The Heroism of Revision

I am an author with a wonderful agent but I have a question that would be better answered by an editor, and I'd like your input.

My debut novel has been on submission since the beginning of the year. In our first round of submissions the first 'no' came with a very thoughtful, detailed email from the editor that made a number of suggestions about revisions and a request to see the ms again if I made them. At the time, my agent and I felt that since there were other editors reading we should just put those thoughts aside. However, more rejections came in, including some that brought up some of the same issues that first editor had discussed. Two more of the editors who said no said also they would look at the book again, if revised.

So I did the revisions. Not every single thing, mind you, but the major ones. And after some back and forth about them with my agent, she came up with a new list of editors to submit too, including the three who had been willing to see the revised ms.

Here's my question: as an editor, how do you generally feel about an ms. that has been revised this way? Is it something you're more likely to like, now that some of the problems you had with it are fixed, or if you really didn't love it at first then you'll never really love it? The second one is my big fear -- that if these editors really loved the book, they would have bought it first, and then had me make changes. But I don't know if I'm just being negative.

You're just being negative. You know what editors love? Great manuscripts. You know what editors ADORE? Great revisers. Oh dear god, how I adore great revisers.

Also, I've gotten a surprising amount of flak (mainly from non-writer friends) about my willingness to do this kind of overhaul. As a journalist by trade, I'm used to rewriting things based on other people's input (and, honestly, sometimes having them change it to something unrecognizable without telling me, which thankfully doesn't seem to happen in the fiction world). I figured I don't have to make any changes I don't like, but they don't have to publish it, either. What's your response to people who think someone who revises for editors is somehow debasing their work? Because people really do seem to think that.

Morons everywhere think they have a right to an opinion. You tell them that if they think listening to the advice of professionals (advice that you, the author, agree with) is debasing your Art, then they must be under the impression that everyone who picks up a pencil is a Great Artist from that moment on. You know what? When you're Maurice Sendak or Pablo Picasso or are otherwise making a ton of money just to exhibit your work, not sell it, then you are a Great Artist. Until then, you have something to learn. And if you don't think so, then you are never, never going to get beyond being anything but a Great Pain in My Ass.

(Ok, sure, you can be a pain in the ass and crazy and impossible to work with and maybe still a great artist, like Van Gogh. But do you really want your Art to wait to be appreciated until after you're dead? No, I didn't think so. We learn to play nicely with others in kindergarten, and some of us remember that lesson.)

SCBWI and/or Verla Kay to the Rescue!

I have only a couple of manuscripts I'm working on, but I would like to do more and am looking for ways to add some discipline and focus to my writing efforts. Everyone says you should have a good writing critique group, one that will give you tough, honest opinions as well as encouragement. I live in a fairly rural area, so my opportunities for face-to-face critiques are limited. Any suggestions for how to find good feedback from peers?

Check out the discussion boards at the SCBWI or Verla Kay (you'll have to become a member of SCBWI to access theirs) and find yourself a nice eCritique group. Bear in mind that you may have to try a couple out before you find one that works for you.

Stand Still While I Load My Editorial Feedback into This Shotgun

Any advice on receiving revision feedback from an editor over the phone? I had an editor call with her thoughts (and no written follow-up) and was taken a little off-guard. I just tried to listen, grab a pen and take notes and not be argumentative or defensive (on the spot, I didn't exactly agree with what she was saying).
In this case, is it fine to send an email afterward to follow-up on the conversation, just to be sure I'm going in the right direction?

It's fine to say to the editor that you attempted to take notes but are not sure you got all of her comments, and you'd like to be sure you have them all before you sit down to think them over, and would she mind sending you a written copy of her notes. Be sure to imply (or even state) that you aren't going to get started on the revision until you have her notes in front of you.

Personally, I don't know why editors do this. I always send my revision notes in a letter, for these very reasons. Convey to her (pleasantly, professionally) that she isn't getting her thoughts across reliably in this format. It's among an editor's most important skills to communicate.

Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth, Jump Up and Down on Your Cake, and Reprogram All of Your Appliances

Once upon a time, a certain house acquired one of my manuscripts. Five years later, it was published. In the meantime, not one, not two, but FIVE editors had worked on revising it. On the day of publication, NOT ONE WORD of the original manuscript remained. This was no longer the manuscript I'd submitted and no longer the manuscript I loved. I'll leave it to you to guess how much effort I put into promoting it.
The editor(s) are not always right. It's possible to kill the spirit of the author, in the guise of adding all those walnuts. (walnuts, here, is a reference to my post "Cakes and Critics"--EA)

Oh, my sympathies. You hear about this happening. And damn it, editors need to be extra sensitive when they've inherited a project that has already seen a bunch of editorial work and revision.

But also damn it, this is why you, the cook, have to protect your creative work. Do think hard about the comments and suggestions editors offer you. Don't use them if, after that hard thought, you don't believe they will make your book better.

Cakes and Critics

I have friends (agented and unagented) who sold their first book and then received 10+ page editor revision notes, while others have revised more than once for an editor before they received their contract. How does an editor decide when to offer a contract to a new writer? Why would an editor offer, and sales, marketing, publisher, etc., approve that offer if they know they are going to ask the author to overhaul most of their book?

1. Let us first pay tribute to the Truth that there are revision letters, and then there are revision letters.
2. Let us secondly pay tribute to the Truth that the highest compliment an editor can give you is a very thoughtful (and possibly long) editorial letter.

Jackson Pearce (my favorite new video blogger) recently compared writing and revision to making a cake:


So, to put Truth 1 into this analogy:
There's a difference between the food critic saying you should have whisked the eggs and sugar together before putting them in the batter... and the food critic pointing out that you have no eggs or sugar in your cake.
I have sent very short letters to people that said, essentially: I love this flour. I love this sugar. I love these eggs. But I think this cake would be better with milk rather than sour cream, so let me know if you decide to bake it again.
This is a short letter, but A Hell of a Lot of Revision... and revision I can't be sure the author can achieve. This is a letter before a contract.
And I have sent very long letters to people that said, essentially: I love all your ingredients. And your wrist, when you use that whisk! Where did you learn that technique? But there are a few places where you could try something different, and maybe the oven should be a touch cooler. And have you considered the addition of walnuts?
This is a long letter, and it may still be A Hell of a Lot of Revision... but it's revision I am confident is within the author's scope, and (hopefully) within the author's vision of the cake she wants to serve. This is a letter after a contract.

And, to put Truth 2 somewhere near this analogy:
Editors are people who love books. We feel passionately about them, and think good books are worth thinking about hard. A (possibly long) thoughtful editorial letter is an editor's way of saying: This Book Is Worthwhile. It is worth the hours (and perhaps days) that it took us to think carefully about it, and weigh ideas, and try to put ourselves in your shoes, and try to put ourselves in the readers' shoes. It is worth our thinking about each ingredient you know you put into it, and the ingredients you may not have realized you put in. Ideally, a good editorial letter is your chance to see your manuscript through new eyes: eyes that love what your manuscript is, but love what it wants to be even more.

Could You Change... Everything?

Dear Anonymous: I met an editor at a conference, subbed the first three chapters to her and waited eight months for a response. She “found it charming.” She said the main character of my chapter book is unique and my writing style is engaging. She said she was declining my submission because the words I used and my writing seemed too mature for the content and length of my text. She suggested making these parts more consistent and closed with, “I would be happy to look at a future draft if I decided to revise.”
I took her advice and I’m in the process of revising. How much editing is she expecting and how do I get a quicker response from her when I resubmit? Also, should this somewhat favorable response be an indicator that I should also look for an agent now?

It sounds like addressing the problem she perceives in your manuscript would take a fair amount of revision throughout the manuscript.
But she is not expecting you to make large changes you disagree with. This never improves a manuscript. If her criticism made sense to you, then do your best to revise the manuscript as you feel it should be revised. If her criticism didn't make you think, "Hmm, I suppose you're right," then send it along to other people.