Thursday, April 17, 2008

Like Shooting Nitwits in a Barrel

It's just too easy. What real enjoyment can be had from making fun of My Beautiful Mommy, the book for mommies who want to explain to their kids why mommy needs a tummy tuck and a boob job?

(The reason is, of course, "For the same reason I gave you those Barbie dolls, sweetheart!")

...The book that Newsweek has just featured? The Newsweek whose staff can't remember the last time they were proud of themselves?



Yes, it's like sparkly pink spiders are crawling over your skin. Please admire the magical glitter that surrounds New-Improved-Mommy so that she reminds us of Barbie or Tinkerbell or Cinderella. Nice, huh?

And if we skip directly to the book's "publisher," Big Tent Books ("Beautifully Illustrated Books for Children of All Ages"), there are indeed many other targets as wide as a barn. I'm going to leave the commentary on this one to you guys:

But this highlights a truth: plastic surgery and self-publishing are related fairy tales.

The moral of both these stories, boys and girls, is that the heroine of the story (or the hero) is always special. And she's special because other people tell her she is. Even if she has to pay them to tell her that.

35 comments:

azang said...

Oh...my, er umm...I just don't know what to say. Pink spiders crawling all over my skin; yep, I think you nailed that one. (I think I just vomited a little too.)

MG said...

Why didn't they call the second:
'I Can Perform My Own Otoplasty'

I think my brain is leaking. Must be because I'm banging my head repeatedly on my CWIM.

ae said...

The top one (top one...get it)is written by a doctor. Imagine that!!! I wonder how many copies s/he will sell in her/his office.

And the bottom one looks just like all those books kindergarten teachers give to their students on the last day of class so that the kids can all feel like they were the specialest! (And the parents, too!!)

ChristineEldin said...

I read about this on a friend's blog yesterday, and hate to make the same jokes twice.
But I loved the pink spiders analogy!!

Anonymous said...

The little girl looks like she's going "Yay! Now that Mommy is happy, maybe she'll pay more attention to me!" Sorry, sweetheart. Mommy doesn't have time for you because she has to go shop for more clothing that makes her look like a cheap streetwalker.

What every little girl wants: a mommy with a bare midriff.

ae said...

Oh. I thought that was a little boy. My mind is in the gutter.

Colorado Writer said...

Barf-o-rama.

Anonymous said...

Look at more of the book by clicking on the gallery: http://www.newsweek.com/id/132536

It's going to be a classic. Right next to Goodnight Moon.

I particularly like the part where the girl tells her mom that she's the prettiest mom in the world, and then the mom basically says, "No. You're wrong" (in a nice way.)

Gabty said...

The Newsweek gallery has left me feeling kind of dirty & wrong.

In picture 2, the woman is kind of deformed looking. I think she needs a whole-body-ectomy along with that nose job.

Deirdre Mundy said...

I liked the part about explaining that Mommies need plastic surgery because they can't fit into their clothes anymore.

umm... what about diet and exercise? Or just buying new clothes?

This book explains why I'm leary of the "I'll just self-publish" route... even if your book is actually GOOD, look at the company it will be keeping!!!!

Kristi Holl said...

Just when you think you've seen it all... 8-)

TnTexas said...

Just what we need. Something else to tell our daughters that physical "perfection" is the be-all, end-all of life. Grrrrr.

This book explains why I'm leary of the "I'll just self-publish" route... even if your book is actually GOOD, look at the company it will be keeping!!!!

Totally agree!

Laurie said...

That is so freaking halarious!

Is there a line in there about how being pregnant with you my little darling is why I needed all that plastic surgury in the first place?!

Stephanie Denise said...

This is really disturbing. I wish I hadn't seen those pictures. Can I wash my brain now?

Christy Lenzi said...

I'm scared.

Brian Floca said...

Does the girl learn the lesson and, later in the book, pull all of the stuffing out of her teddy bear? Eh? If you want to teach a lesson, you have to reinforce it.

Anonymous said...

Words fail.

Thank goodness saline inserts don't, eh?

Anyone who buys this book (not to mention the author) should have their children taken away by the state. And yes, I know that sounds fascist. Preferable in my universe.

Laura Zarrin said...

Oh my God! Are you kidding me? This is an actual book? I always wonder why great civilizations die--I think this book is a contender. Do you think it was like this at the end of the Roman Empire? It seems like a lightening bolt should be hitting someone for this monstrosity! Please stop the horror!

mr said...

Well, call me an old-fashioned snob, but I say it can't hold a candle to a classic like LATAWNYA, THE NAUGHTY HORSE, LEARNS TO SAY NO TO DRUGS.

http://www.amazon.com/Latawnya-Naughty-Horse-Learns-Drugs/dp/0533091020

LindaBudz said...

Wow, that's the first time I've seen the cover. Even worse than I'd feared.

Anonymous said...

Truly $%&#ed up.
I can do it all by myself?
Oh, you SO shouldn't.

K.B. said...

Oh, dear gods. It's one thing when plastic surgery corrects a real condition, removes a potentially cancerous mole, or replaces dying teeth, and the youngsters in the household need to understand what's going on. Even if the surgery is for strictly cosmetic purposes -- I can identify with someone who was always teased about having a large nose, and wants to shave it down a little.

It's another thing when the resulting Barbie-Mommy on the cover is radiating fairy dust while her daughter flings her arms wide and gazes at her in rapt adoration. Message: Don't bother with healthy eating and exercise to get fit. Don't even bother with loving yourself. Go under the knife and you, too, can be magically transformed into a hot-looking princess and gain your child's undying affection.

Puke. That is so wrong on so many levels.

Anonymous said...

The really, really sad part to me - when you look at the pictures from the book that Newsweek has available, Mom pre-surgery doesn't look bad at all. She doesn't have quite the hour-glass figure she has after the surgery, but she certainly wasn't overweight and out of shape. :o(

Anonymous said...

Until you said it was a girl, I thought the kid shown with the "beautiful mommy" was a toddler boy with a mullet.

ae said...

That is what I thought too. I didn't see the mullet until you mentioned it.

I think from a boy's point of view her boobs should be square...kind of like a she-robot.

"Look what I made, Dad."

And the dad says,"Nice. You're almost ready for Stepford, son."

Anonymous said...

Mommy needs a brand new brain!!

Anonymous said...

No, that is a homely little girl who will very soon need extensive plastic surgery of her own in order to feel good about herself.

EJ McKenna said...

.... this could segue nicely into a whole new market of self-published self-help books for children with 'special needs' parents.

Why Mummy Went Mental - How to explain failed cosmetic surgery to children.

Or, for dads who bond with their kids at the horse track:
Dr Winchester & The Big White Curtain - The Story Lamey the Horse Who Finished Last.

molly said...

Hmmm...

OPERATION is trademarked by Hasbro: http://www.hasbro.com/home/copyright.html

I wonder if the author or Big Tent Books obtained permission before using it. I'm assuming that would be necessary in this case... is that right?

Sarah Garrigues said...

Crazy!

What about:

The deadbeat dad's mantra: "I just don't have time for you, son"

or in light of recent the polygamist raid...

"I love all your mommies"

Christy Lenzi said...

Maybe if Beautiful Mommy was a ninja...

Anonymous said...

what can the "curious George" kid do all by himself? Plastic surgery?

Barbara K said...

I'm surprised no one has pointed out the obvious yet... that whatever we think of the product, this thing is getting MAJOR publicity: first, a write-up in Newsweek and today, a feature in the Washington Post. As they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity! This book's gonna be a bestseller, darn it!

Sam Hranac said...

"Mommy, who's nose do I have?"

"My old one, dear, and it sucked so bad I had it chopped off."

"Are... are you saying I'm ugly?" asked Mullet Girl with a quivering lip.

"No, dear! Well, yes, actually."

"WAAAAA!"

"But don't worry. If you make it through high school without getting pregnant, Mommy promises to make Daddy send you in for an ugly-ectomy too."

"Thanks Mommy! Can I have a hug?"

"No. Mommy's boobs are still too tender."

christine tripp said...

Like I said on SLJ/betsy's blog, this is why self publisher's have a hard road to hoe!!!!
Garbage gets out there fast and if you, as a self pub author have a bit of money, you can get the garbage out there with some digital illustration (which gives digital illustration a bad name too)
Chris