Sunday, February 11, 2007

How to Tell You're Never Going to Get Published

Take this short quiz!

a. You're writing about your pet.

I know you think your pet is darling and precious, but try to wrap your mind around this: no one else cares.

b. You're writing about your grandchildren.

See above.

c. You think writing poetry is easy.

Rhyme doth not a poem make. On the other hand, it's impossible to mail me the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, so why not send bad verse?

d. You think writing a children's book is easy.

I mean, children can barely read as it is, so how hard can it be to write for them? (www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail84.html)

e. You're writing about squirrels.

Seriously, what is it with the squirrel manuscripts recently? There must be something in the water. Something squirrely.

3 comments:

Rudy Doyle said...

Thanks for the link to homestarrunner. I nearly wet myself.

Anonymous said...

You're never gonna read this comment, but I can explain the Squirrel thing.

Scaredy Squirrel got published with child-like drawings. And now a sequel is coming out. Therefore anyone writing children's books may think that this is a "good thing" to submit. After all, if such a simple concept as Scaredy Squirrel could be published, then OF COURSE, that must be what publishers are looking for!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Aaron Murphee,

Please find enclosed my darling picture book, entitled MY GRANDDAUGHTER AND HER PET SQUIRREL TAKE A WALK, and is 6,000 words in length. This story is about my granddaughter and her pet squirrel as they walk around the block and encounter all sorts of adventures. It is written entirely in rhyme, except for several places where I couldn't think of a word that rhymed with orange. I know that between you and the editor, the two of you will be able to fix both the orange rhyme. (After all, whatelse does an editor do all day??? Somebody has to give them some work! LOL!) I have already had it copyrighted so that no one can steal my material.

I wrote this in fifteen minutes while I waited in line at the bank. I was there to set up a special account for the royalties from this book. I know that it will make both of us rich! In fact, I have ten more books in this series (I wrote those in the doctor's office). The next book in the "My Granddaughter and Her Pet Squirrel" series is entitled MY GRANDDAUGHTER AND HER PET SQUIRREL TAKE A BATH. It is a humorous story about bathing a five-year-old and a squirrel and the trip to the emergency room.

My granddaughter Tiffany and her friends have all read my stories and love them, especially with homemade chocolate chip cookies. Tiffany and her friends did the illustrations. You and the editor will have to work out how to pay them, since I'm not sure that they can sign contracts (much less their own names! LOL!). I'm sure the accounting department knows exactly how to handle this.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you tomorrow at your earliest convenience, and we can arrange how to transfer all the royalty money to my special account. Then I'll send the rest of the series.

Sincerely,

Jane "Nanna" Alee

PS My daughter-in- law is going to have another baby in about a month. The doctor has said it will be a boy. So be expecting a whole new series based around my new grandson!