The I Need a Shower Now and a Cocktail Immediately After Trophy

for Pitches That Make Me Ask Myself Why I Wanted to Be an Editor goes to:

How will Daddy convince little Eddie that the body parts in the cellar just won't do for his kindergarten show-and-tell? FATHER, FATHER, GODFATHER is a touching, autobiographical 350 word picture book. Think MARRIED TO THE MOB meets WHEN I WAS YOUNG IN THE MOUNTAINS, with just a soupcon of WOLVES IN THE WALLS. The surprise ending will make this one a keeper.

Whimper. Autobiographical?
Please don't use the word "soupcon" in the same paragraph with "body parts".

“The Babysitter has Bad Balance” is a sweet counting story about a time-crunched couple who leave sweet Billy in the care of a dirty, but very trustworthy, looking man lurking in their garbage. With each page helping children with their counting skills (one empty bottle of alcohol at a time), this rollicking free verse tale follows our charming babysitter as he helpfully inspects the liquor cabinet (“Jackpotsies!”), organizes the parent’s financial records (“Wash? Z' not doin’ nothin’!”), and tests out Billy’s Xbox (“Getsh youz ownsh!”), before gently falling asleep on the door step in a pool of white pearls, silver cutlery, and stale saliva. While there is heated demand from several publishers, including the nationally renowned “Publish America”, there is still time to arrange an auction. Also available is what will surely be its best-selling sequel: “Billy Borrowed the Babysitter’s wallet”.

I feel all warm and fuzzy... like bread mold.