Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A New Game!

A while back there was an essay in the New York Times Book Review about how the number of readers is falling... while the number of authors is rising. The essay mentioned a few titles from iUniverse, everybody's favorite vanity press that lies to people.
It occurred to me that I've never been to iUniverse. So I checked it out. (And it's a good thing I did, because I'm a little bored with substituting ninjas.) Oh, it's awesome. Full of classic tales like My Life Miracle, which reminds me of the way my cable service abbreviates movie titles (Sister Travel Pants. Just makes you want to go, "Hi! I'm Sister Travel Pants. This is my husband, Papercup Mixmaster, and our beautiful son Laughing Gas Alligator!")

I couldn't help feeling some of the titles could have used a subtitle, though. So in this game, we provide the subtitle. Some candidates:

1. ...And the Little Bags You Need to Scoop Them Up With
2. ...I'll Get the Whip and My Fur Handcuffs

3. ...And Then the Morning Again... In Fact, You Can Pretty Much Count on a Whole Bunch of Days After This One. Billions, Maybe. With Mornings and Nights and Afternoons--Ooo! I Forgot About the Afternoons! Um... What Was My Point?



And here's one I haven't come up with a subtitle for. I keep getting caught up in the description. (I hope that you, my readers, appreciate this gift.)


"There are times, when you just can onot say what you would like to say. And, there are times when life can simply frustrate you withwe ignorance of your fellow human beings. This book will help you verbalize how you feel, without saying a word!
Please buy this book. It will help you from having stress, heart attacks and strokes. Telling people how you feel, is therapy! Situations in life can make you crazy. But do not let this happen to you. Just buy the book, and tell the person that needs to be slapped, to read a particular page."

33 comments:

Sarahlynn said...

Because . . .
I,The Person, who handed you this book,, is a passive-agressive loser!
[sic]

Heather said...

Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

Aden said...

Y'know, I was trying to make some smart-ass remark about the page number for "verbalizing" how you feel about clueless authors, but, Lord help me, I can't do it. That book sounds so awful, it repels criticism. Magnetism and polarity and such.

That was so bad I think it gave me cancer.

Simon said...

Suggested subtitle for that last one: A guide to bad parenting

Katharine O'Moore-Klopf said...

Who needs book 3? Just reading this post was therapy enough. It had me snorting with laughter.

eluper said...

"Naomi Campbell's Guide to Staff Mangement"

Anonymous said...

"Stupid Comebacks for Stupid People"

A. B. England said...

Here's my suggestion: A helpful tool for the snark impaired.

My word what a lousy idea! I'm guessing the person who came up with this gem thinks handing someone this lame book is better than talking to to the person straight out and resolving the issue? Oh yes, confusing someone with grammar and spelling so bad it's likely to make their eyes bleed and insulting them at the same time is so much better than having a mature conversation.

Sarah said...

Because The Hand commands it!

worththetrip said...

...Using My Words haven't Been Working Too Goodfor Me

writtenwyrdd said...

Slap the MESS out of you? Hah!

"And other stupid euphemisms for the language impaired"

Anonymous said...

This is fun!
from www.iuniverse.com :

THE BREATH OF LIFE FOR ALL
...Comes With Free Altoids

ChrisEldin said...

ROTFLMAO!!!
Is it a pop-up book?


Subtitle:
Because kicking the puppy isn't always satisfying

Subtitle:
An Illustrated Guide

Subtitle:
Because your online dating ad said I could


Can you make this a weekly feature?
Please!!!!
:-)

Colorado Writer said...

Good stuff. I needed a laugh this morning.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Does that really say it was written by a Reverend Doctor Somebody?

Oh my. LOL

I see some people have nothing better to spend their money on except to immortalize their stupidity.

Anonymous said...

If you go to I-Universe, you can look inside the book. I did. This is what I learned:

"...and you need to be slapped if you get pregnant by a sperm producing dummy."

Yup. That's true! Um... isn't it?

Kirk L. Shaw said...

Okay, those were simply awesome. The slush pile rejects that got away...

Anonymous said...

"and you need to be slapped if you get pregnant by a sperm producing dummy"

Gosh. I'll never look at the mannequins in the men's department at Macy's the same way.

literaticat said...

Hey, don't drag Papercup Mixmaster into this - or Exploding Poptart or Wuggie Norple either!

Editorial Anonymous said...

What about Bigfoot the Chipmunk and Freckleface Chilibean?

literaticat said...

I dub thee Queen Waffle.

Editorial Anonymous said...

Yay! Queen Waffle!

beth said...

Hilarious. Seriously.

Kim Kasch said...

Because we're not allowed to shoot the "mess"enger

Just_Me said...

That last book... wow.... I don't know if there are words to describe the laughter.

Very theraputic. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

This is what happens when the shallow end of the gene pool is allowed to publish...

My sides hurt from laughing after reading the description.

Only 19.95 AND you get a set of steak knives absolutely free!

cslarsen said...

#3, lol.

I ought to slap the mess out of you because...

you bought this book.

EJ McKenna. said...

Withwe ignorance of fellow human beings being whatwithwe they are..... Was Talk To The Hand already taken?

What a great wheeze.

(my word verification is "wikxomy" which is probably in the book).

Anonymous said...

Ed Anon --
What happened to all the pic books prose people sent? You said you were going to use it to give good examples of correct verse?

Also, what about all the questions that were asked of the Anon book buyer and the Anon Sales Rep?

Anonymous said...

Yrs, I've been wondering, too--did we miss something? Was the experiment in non-rhyming verse a bust?

Africakid said...

How about (from the fiction for 8 and under section of Iuniverse):

YACK AND YILL AND OTHER YARNS

subtitle -- Yust Talk Wike Me In Eweven Easy Steps...

Anonymous said...

"I ought to slap the mess out of you because..."

my kicking foot's tired of crap.

heheheh...

emily
eek

Meryl said...

Oh, how I needed this! Thank you!

(Morning and Night)... "The life of an insomniac who doesn't know day from night anymore."

I ought to slap the mess out of you because I can't slap you silly.

Maybe we should use this anytime we hear someone wants to skip the editing process?