More Ways to Tell You Aren't Going to Get Published

Your manuscript includes footnotes
a) Explaining each punctuation mark to the reader.
b) Explaining how difficult each sentence was to write, and why.
c) Explaining how your calculation of all the two-dollar words in the text should apply to your advance.

Your manuscript points out that it is our differences that make us unique and valuable, and underlines this point with
a) Talking power tools.
b) Hairless goats.
c) Homeless people.

You think ‘scansion’ is
a) Something that comes naturally to people.
b) A type of muscle injury.
c) A method of mapping terrain.

You've thoughtfully included
a) Illustration directions, down to what each character is wearing.
b) Your own illustrations, executed in Photoshop.
c) A dedication (because it’s never too early to be grateful).

Things you think are a good idea include
a) A rhyming catalog of famous murderers.
b) A cosmetics book for toddlers.
c) Walter the Farting Dog Gets a Whistle. (think about it for a moment)

You've noticed a hole in the market! What kids need now is
a) Another goddamned book about collective nouns.
b) A rollicking adventure featuring anthropomorphized ipods.
c) A nonfiction poem about the different types of sofas.

You recently visited Two-Fingers-In-The-Eyes-Nyuk-Nyuk National Historical Monument, and instead of seeing the humor,
a) You thought you’d write a book for children about the historical significance of the site to early 18th-century explorers.
b) You were inspired to tell children about ways to resolve conflict without violence.
c) You couldn't wait to get home to write a story about Nyuk-Nyuk, your blind, two-legged, dying therapy dog.